I guess I should explain what my Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified means to me. I am sure it is different for everyone. At this starting stage of this blog I feel like I have so much to get off my chest, so much that has been sitting at the pit of my stomach for so long, before I can get on to writing just about my days.
Today is Easter Sunday. The Easter long weekend, probably the worst time to ever commit to getting better right?! It feels like my capacity to resist the demons on my shoulder is at an all time low yet my yearning to be normal is at an all time high. Yet despite the latter, I can't seem to jog myself out of this haze that I am in right now.
I suffer from this disease everyday, yet when I am in a manageable space I can usually put off the whispers to binge for a few days and even a few weeks. Yet right now, I can't even put them off for five minutes after getting out of bed. Even when I am in a good space, the demons are still there on my shoulder whispering at me to go to the fridge, to eat that piece of chocolate, and then before I can sit down and enjoy it they are telling me to go back and get more. Even at that point, when I am in a really really good space, sometimes I can settle at a small bit. But, 99% of the time I go back for more and it turns into an all out binge eating anything and everything and often walking/riding/driving to the shops or the service station to buy more.
The point is though, usually I can contain this to once a week or once a fortnight if I'm lucky. At this moment, I feel like I have been on a four day uncontrollable binge, a haze where all I can think about at any given moment (and do not have the strength/willpower to shut to the back of my mind) is food, food, food. Even when I start the day off with exercise, which I do indeed do most days, I simply cannot resist chocolate or ice cream or honey straight from the jar for breakfast. And then my day is over.
I read this quote a while ago that really resonated with me in it's logicality: bingeing after one bad meal is like stomping on your phone after slightly cracking the screen. It's so true - one bad meal does not wreck what you spent one hour every morning doing or your life in general, so why sabotage yourself in that way? I have no answer to this. If I had an answer, I probably wouldn't be writing this right now.
Once I eat something bad, my day is done. Despite my very best efforts, where I have resisted for small periods of time and I have tried so very hard, I have never never not eating terribly for the rest of the day after consuming a large bad meal. I know I said before in good times I have been able to have a small piece of chocolate and left it at that, but that has been in the very very very good times and there I was talking about a small piece of Lindt 80% dark chocolate. In this instance I am talking about a sugary breakfast, or fried lunch or chips with dinner. God, even having pancakes for breakfast, even if they are made with coconut flour or almond meal, yet have maple syrup and sugar, still render my day a write off. And in normal circumstances I would hardly ever have a sweet breakfast, knowing what will happen and wanting to be healthy.
Yet right now I can't even seem to muster up the strength to make a 'normal' first meal of the day. Despite my thoughts the night before that tomorrow is going to be the day I give up sugar again and eat clean and get back on track, I am failing. Every single day.
As I am writing I am feeling like this post is coming out in an unruly jumble. I am sorry for that. I think this is the lowest I have ever been food-wise and there is no one I can share these feelings with, apart from this blog. Wait, don't get me wrong - my family and boyfriend and friends are amazingly supportive and most of them know what I am dealing with. But none of them know to what extent I am dealing with this. To what extent it invades every single second of every single day and every thought I have. I am sure they would support me if I did tell them, but I know I don't think I will ever be able to open up to them 100%. I feel ashamed. Weak. Pathetic, even. I don't want them to worry about me. I want them to believe in my goals and my capacity in life and believe that I can achieve all that is in front of me. This will set them back in those beliefs. Well, thats what I think in my head.
Tomorrow is Easter Monday. Whilst it is still a public holiday and in my head that tells me that the weekend is still with us and so I can still go mental with food, I am going to try my hardest to begin again. I know that a healthier, more sustainable way of getting fit and healthy is to gradually reduce bad foods rather than go cold turkey, but that's not me. It's just not. I'm not against changing and I believe people can change, but I know this is me. That is who I am. Go hard or go home. So I am going to try and eat well. I'll see how many days it gets me and when I slip I'll try to go for more days than the last time. This may see me 'rewarding' myself each time I make it through more days than before, but honestly I couldn't care less. Anything that gets me out of this haze right now, I will do.
I can't function right now - can't work, study, socialise properly. I need to propel myself back into a space where I am healthy and toned and where I can start relaxing my mind. If I know one thing, it's that I ain't going to be able to heal from this disease until I am happy with my body and until I lose about four kilos - no matter how psychopathic that is.
I'll let you know how I go.
Love,
smilegirl
Sunday 5 April 2015
Thursday 2 April 2015
The power of a category
Thursday 2nd April 2015.
EDNOS. Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Something is wrong with you but we can't figure out exactly what so we'll make this category for you and a million other people who are going through issues completely different to yours.
OK, so that last part might not be true, but who knows. The point is that no one knows. People know what bulimia is. People judge skinny people as being anorexic. But eating disorder not otherwise specified? Nah, you're not that bad, you'll be fine, just be in this category and you'll figure it out.
I don't know about anyone else who has been diagnosed with EDNOS but when the OT told me that that's what she thought was up I literally felt my heart not sink but twist really tight, like when you are wringing out a wet towel or piece of clothing.
And then I got angry. How dare you tell me that what I am going through hasn't got a name? How dare you tell me that what hangs over me everyday, what governs my every movement whether it has even a remote link to food or exercise or not, isn't important enough to be categorised independently? Honestly, I know the OT meant well and I know she is good at her job, but surely there is enough research into mental health to tell us that you probably shouldn't just tell someone they're in a category of non-categorised problems when they have sucked up the guts to tell someone out loud even a portion of what they are going through.
Psychologists have told me that I have a goals-orientated, hyper-motivated personality obsessed with achievement. Yes, I think that hits the nail on the head. So that apparently means that I want to be the skinniest, the best looking, the most fit, and to do so I put severe restrictions on myself that inevitably I am going to break (I'm human after all). I'll then punish myself for breaking them and so the cycle begins with even bigger restrictions.
Honestly, I don't even care where this illness came from. All I want to figure out is how to be healthy again. How to not stress out and consider every little detail when a friend invites me out for coffee (not even lunch) or for a drink at the pub. To be able to enjoy said drink or a bowl of pasta or a normal meal without thinking that it's the beginning of a slippery slope and going home and bingeing because I've already f*cked it up for the immediate future.
I first started my obsessions after I got into fitness following a big break up in 2010. It was a gradual slide; being able to run a kilometre, then three, then five, then reading food blogs, then eating low carbs, no sugar, etc etc. I feel like from that first moment I entered a gym thinking 'this is going to be a new beginning; this is going to make you release happy endorphins and not be sad about your break up'' that that was the moment I opened pandora's box.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and never had opened the box. But most of the time I don't. I have come far enough in attempts and therapy to know that health and fitness is of huge interest to me and some of it I am really good at and that makes me proud. I just need a way of balancing this with a normal life. Just because I run 8km in the morning doesn't mean I have to not eat processed carbs FOREVER or just because I eat a small piece of cake with sugar I don't have to go home and eat two packs of lollies and a tub of ice-cream because the whole day is shot. A balance is what I am trying to achieve. It probably would have helped if someone had said what was going on in my head was worthy of it's own category.
EDNOS. Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Something is wrong with you but we can't figure out exactly what so we'll make this category for you and a million other people who are going through issues completely different to yours.
OK, so that last part might not be true, but who knows. The point is that no one knows. People know what bulimia is. People judge skinny people as being anorexic. But eating disorder not otherwise specified? Nah, you're not that bad, you'll be fine, just be in this category and you'll figure it out.
I don't know about anyone else who has been diagnosed with EDNOS but when the OT told me that that's what she thought was up I literally felt my heart not sink but twist really tight, like when you are wringing out a wet towel or piece of clothing.
And then I got angry. How dare you tell me that what I am going through hasn't got a name? How dare you tell me that what hangs over me everyday, what governs my every movement whether it has even a remote link to food or exercise or not, isn't important enough to be categorised independently? Honestly, I know the OT meant well and I know she is good at her job, but surely there is enough research into mental health to tell us that you probably shouldn't just tell someone they're in a category of non-categorised problems when they have sucked up the guts to tell someone out loud even a portion of what they are going through.
Psychologists have told me that I have a goals-orientated, hyper-motivated personality obsessed with achievement. Yes, I think that hits the nail on the head. So that apparently means that I want to be the skinniest, the best looking, the most fit, and to do so I put severe restrictions on myself that inevitably I am going to break (I'm human after all). I'll then punish myself for breaking them and so the cycle begins with even bigger restrictions.
Honestly, I don't even care where this illness came from. All I want to figure out is how to be healthy again. How to not stress out and consider every little detail when a friend invites me out for coffee (not even lunch) or for a drink at the pub. To be able to enjoy said drink or a bowl of pasta or a normal meal without thinking that it's the beginning of a slippery slope and going home and bingeing because I've already f*cked it up for the immediate future.
I first started my obsessions after I got into fitness following a big break up in 2010. It was a gradual slide; being able to run a kilometre, then three, then five, then reading food blogs, then eating low carbs, no sugar, etc etc. I feel like from that first moment I entered a gym thinking 'this is going to be a new beginning; this is going to make you release happy endorphins and not be sad about your break up'' that that was the moment I opened pandora's box.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and never had opened the box. But most of the time I don't. I have come far enough in attempts and therapy to know that health and fitness is of huge interest to me and some of it I am really good at and that makes me proud. I just need a way of balancing this with a normal life. Just because I run 8km in the morning doesn't mean I have to not eat processed carbs FOREVER or just because I eat a small piece of cake with sugar I don't have to go home and eat two packs of lollies and a tub of ice-cream because the whole day is shot. A balance is what I am trying to achieve. It probably would have helped if someone had said what was going on in my head was worthy of it's own category.
Wednesday 1 April 2015
The first post
Wednesday 1st April 2015.
The first day in what I hope will be a new chapter in my life. I don't want to jinx myself and put pressure on immediate change, but I am goal-driven and timeline-wary and that is who I am and I am proud of that.
I am 24 years old, and I live in regional Australia. Almost two years ago an occupational therapist told me I had an 'Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.' And this thing, this thing that can't even be given a name, sits on my shoulders every day. From the moment I wake up to my last thoughts before I go to sleep, food, exercise, body image, opinions, whispers and thoughts swallow up my mind. But apparently what haunts me and holds me back every day is 'not otherwise specified.'
I have decided to write this blog because I know deep within myself that I need to make a change. I can't keep going through life being restrictive with food and with exercise, being manic and then being low and bingeing on everything in reach and further. I can't keep putting this emotional and destructive burden on my relationship and my family, not to mention myself. I know I deserve more and I know I am destined for greatness one day. But to realise this I know I need to heal this parasite, this nasty, despicable secret, holding me back.
I have been to a couple of psychologists and tried various types of therapy, from CBT to some online module on eating disorders some institute in Perth created. Don't get me wrong, those experiences were all helpful and I have no doubt they will help thousands of others. But for me, I don't think my heart was every truly in it. I knew I had to do something, I knew I wasn't a normal functioning person, but I was going to appointments and following therapies and mindfulness because they were 'the right things to do.'
I know that as a person I am quite strong-willed and like to do things my own way. For this reason I have made the decision to create this blog, to heal myself my own way, through reflecting on my own thoughts. I don't know if I will even tell my nearest and dearest that this blog exists. If I do, I fear that may take away it's power. I really really struggle to (and as a result do not very often) tell my nearest and dearest what is really going on in my head. I have never been able to get to the root of this problem and honestly I don't really care what that root is. All I want is to be able to lead a normal life where I can achieve what I know I was put on this Earth to do. And to do that I need to be free of what clouds my thoughts, suffocates me in comparisons, and holds me back every second of every day.
I don't know how often I will post nor what those posts will be about. It's all about the journey and I'll take it as it comes. I do know one thing though, I am going to be as raw and honest as I can. I'm going to be ruthless in sharing the thoughts I keep buried deep deep down in fear of judgements. I am going to be honest with myself because that is what I know somewhere that I deserve.
I'll see you tomorrow, blog. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say. For now, I'm going to troll the internet in bed with a glass of wine in hand, in the back of my head questioning whether drinking wine on a Wednesday means I have slipped off the rails and wondering how long it's going to be until I get back on - Monday, actually Tuesday because Monday is a public holiday and you always start again at the start of the working week.
I'll get there. One day at a time.
Love, smilegirl
The first day in what I hope will be a new chapter in my life. I don't want to jinx myself and put pressure on immediate change, but I am goal-driven and timeline-wary and that is who I am and I am proud of that.
I am 24 years old, and I live in regional Australia. Almost two years ago an occupational therapist told me I had an 'Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.' And this thing, this thing that can't even be given a name, sits on my shoulders every day. From the moment I wake up to my last thoughts before I go to sleep, food, exercise, body image, opinions, whispers and thoughts swallow up my mind. But apparently what haunts me and holds me back every day is 'not otherwise specified.'
I have decided to write this blog because I know deep within myself that I need to make a change. I can't keep going through life being restrictive with food and with exercise, being manic and then being low and bingeing on everything in reach and further. I can't keep putting this emotional and destructive burden on my relationship and my family, not to mention myself. I know I deserve more and I know I am destined for greatness one day. But to realise this I know I need to heal this parasite, this nasty, despicable secret, holding me back.
I have been to a couple of psychologists and tried various types of therapy, from CBT to some online module on eating disorders some institute in Perth created. Don't get me wrong, those experiences were all helpful and I have no doubt they will help thousands of others. But for me, I don't think my heart was every truly in it. I knew I had to do something, I knew I wasn't a normal functioning person, but I was going to appointments and following therapies and mindfulness because they were 'the right things to do.'
I know that as a person I am quite strong-willed and like to do things my own way. For this reason I have made the decision to create this blog, to heal myself my own way, through reflecting on my own thoughts. I don't know if I will even tell my nearest and dearest that this blog exists. If I do, I fear that may take away it's power. I really really struggle to (and as a result do not very often) tell my nearest and dearest what is really going on in my head. I have never been able to get to the root of this problem and honestly I don't really care what that root is. All I want is to be able to lead a normal life where I can achieve what I know I was put on this Earth to do. And to do that I need to be free of what clouds my thoughts, suffocates me in comparisons, and holds me back every second of every day.
I don't know how often I will post nor what those posts will be about. It's all about the journey and I'll take it as it comes. I do know one thing though, I am going to be as raw and honest as I can. I'm going to be ruthless in sharing the thoughts I keep buried deep deep down in fear of judgements. I am going to be honest with myself because that is what I know somewhere that I deserve.
I'll see you tomorrow, blog. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say. For now, I'm going to troll the internet in bed with a glass of wine in hand, in the back of my head questioning whether drinking wine on a Wednesday means I have slipped off the rails and wondering how long it's going to be until I get back on - Monday, actually Tuesday because Monday is a public holiday and you always start again at the start of the working week.
I'll get there. One day at a time.
Love, smilegirl
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