The first post

Wednesday 1st April 2015.

The first day in what I hope will be a new chapter in my life. I don't want to jinx myself and put pressure on immediate change, but I am goal-driven and timeline-wary and that is who I am and I am proud of that.

I am 24 years old, and I live in regional Australia. Almost two years ago an occupational therapist told me I had an 'Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.' And this thing, this thing that can't even be given a name, sits on my shoulders every day. From the moment I wake up to my last thoughts before I go to sleep, food, exercise, body image, opinions, whispers and thoughts swallow up my mind. But apparently what haunts me and holds me back every day is 'not otherwise specified.'

I have decided to write this blog because I know deep within myself that I need to make a change. I can't keep going through life being restrictive with food and with exercise, being manic and then being low and bingeing on everything in reach and further. I can't keep putting this emotional and destructive burden on my relationship and my family, not to mention myself. I know I deserve more and I know I am destined for greatness one day. But to realise this I know I need to heal this parasite, this nasty, despicable secret, holding me back.

I have been to a couple of psychologists and tried various types of therapy, from CBT to some online module on eating disorders some institute in Perth created. Don't get me wrong, those experiences were all helpful and I have no doubt they will help thousands of others. But for me, I don't think my heart was every truly in it. I knew I had to do something, I knew I wasn't a normal functioning person, but I was going to appointments and following therapies and mindfulness because they were 'the right things to do.'

I know that as a person I am quite strong-willed and like to do things my own way. For this reason I have made the decision to create this blog, to heal myself my own way, through reflecting on my own thoughts. I don't know if I will even tell my nearest and dearest that this blog exists. If I do, I fear that may take away it's power. I really really struggle to (and as a result do not very often) tell my nearest and dearest what is really going on in my head. I have never been able to get to the root of this problem and honestly I don't really care what that root is. All I want is to be able to lead a normal life where I can achieve what I know I was put on this Earth to do. And to do that I need to be free of what clouds my thoughts, suffocates me in comparisons, and holds me back every second of every day.

I don't know how often I will post nor what those posts will be about. It's all about the journey and I'll take it as it comes. I do know one thing though, I am going to be as raw and honest as I can. I'm going to be ruthless in sharing the thoughts I keep buried deep deep down in fear of judgements. I am going to be honest with myself because that is what I know somewhere that I deserve.

I'll see you tomorrow, blog. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say. For now, I'm going to troll the internet in bed with a glass of wine in hand, in the back of my head questioning whether drinking wine on a Wednesday means I have slipped off the rails and wondering how long it's going to be until I get back on - Monday, actually Tuesday because Monday is a public holiday and you always start again at the start of the working week.

I'll get there. One day at a time.
Love, smilegirl