What my eating disorder means to me

I guess I should explain what my Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified means to me. I am sure it is different for everyone. At this starting stage of this blog I feel like I have so much to get off my chest, so much that has been sitting at the pit of my stomach for so long, before I can get on to writing just about my days.

Today is Easter Sunday. The Easter long weekend, probably the worst time to ever commit to getting better right?! It feels like my capacity to resist the demons on my shoulder is at an all time low yet my yearning to be normal is at an all time high. Yet despite the latter, I can't seem to jog myself out of this haze that I am in right now.

I suffer from this disease everyday, yet when I am in a manageable space I can usually put off the whispers to binge for a few days and even a few weeks. Yet right now, I can't even put them off for five minutes after getting out of bed. Even when I am in a good space, the demons are still there on my shoulder whispering at me to go to the fridge, to eat that piece of chocolate, and then before I can sit down and enjoy it they are telling me to go back and get more. Even at that point, when I am in a really really good space, sometimes I can settle at a small bit. But, 99% of the time I go back for more and it turns into an all out binge eating anything and everything and often walking/riding/driving to the shops or the service station to buy more.

The point is though, usually I can contain this to once a week or once a fortnight if I'm lucky. At this moment, I feel like I have been on a four day uncontrollable binge, a haze where all I can think about at any given moment (and do not have the strength/willpower to shut to the back of my mind) is food, food, food. Even when I start the day off with exercise, which I do indeed do most days, I simply cannot resist chocolate or ice cream or honey straight from the jar for breakfast. And then my day is over.

I read this quote a while ago that really resonated with me in it's logicality: bingeing after one bad meal is like stomping on your phone after slightly cracking the screen. It's so true - one bad meal does not wreck what you spent one hour every morning doing or your life in general, so why sabotage yourself in that way? I have no answer to this. If I had an answer, I probably wouldn't be writing this right now.

Once I eat something bad, my day is done. Despite my very best efforts, where I have resisted for small periods of time and I have tried so very hard, I have never never not eating terribly for the rest of the day after consuming a large bad meal. I know I said before in good times I have been able to have a small piece of chocolate and left it at that, but that has been in the very very very good times and there I was talking about a small piece of Lindt 80% dark chocolate. In this instance I am talking about a sugary breakfast, or fried lunch or chips with dinner. God, even having pancakes for breakfast, even if they are made with coconut flour or almond meal, yet have maple syrup and sugar, still render my day a write off. And in normal circumstances I would hardly ever have a sweet breakfast, knowing what will happen and wanting to be healthy.

Yet right now I can't even seem to muster up the strength to make a 'normal' first meal of the day. Despite my thoughts the night before that tomorrow is going to be the day I give up sugar again and eat clean and get back on track, I am failing. Every single day.

As I am writing I am feeling like this post is coming out in an unruly jumble. I am sorry for that. I think this is the lowest I have ever been food-wise and there is no one I can share these feelings with, apart from this blog. Wait, don't get me wrong - my family and boyfriend and friends are amazingly supportive and most of them know what I am dealing with. But none of them know to what extent I am dealing with this. To what extent it invades every single second of every single day and every thought I have. I am sure they would support me if I did tell them, but I know I don't think I will ever be able to open up to them 100%. I feel ashamed. Weak. Pathetic, even. I don't want them to worry about me. I want them to believe in my goals and my capacity in life and believe that I can achieve all that is in front of me. This will set them back in those beliefs. Well, thats what I think in my head.

Tomorrow is Easter Monday. Whilst it is still a public holiday and in my head that tells me that the weekend is still with us and so I can still go mental with food, I am going to try my hardest to begin again. I know that a healthier, more sustainable way of getting fit and healthy is to gradually reduce bad foods rather than go cold turkey, but that's not me. It's just not. I'm not against changing and I believe people can change,  but I know this is me. That is who I am. Go hard or go home. So I am going to try and eat well. I'll see how many days it gets me and when I slip I'll try to go for more days than the last time. This may see me 'rewarding' myself each time I make it through more days than before, but honestly I couldn't care less. Anything that gets me out of this haze right now, I will do.

I can't function right now - can't work, study, socialise properly. I need to propel myself back into a space where I am healthy and toned and where I can start relaxing my mind. If I know one thing, it's that I ain't going to be able to heal from this disease until I am happy with my body and until I lose about four kilos - no matter how psychopathic that is.

I'll let you know how I go.

Love,
smilegirl